My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me./Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.

I had several other titles that I liked more, but none seemed to fit the contents of this entry as well as this one.

It has, indeed, been a while since I last spoke, since I last put my words upon my techno-paper. Things--many things--have happened, yet I don't feel much like discussing all of them; only a few strike my fancy tonight, and even then only in the broadest terms.

The school year has once again begun; I am more prepared for it this year than any year prior, although I am not sure why. I hope my early drafts of poetry and prose from this summer are amendable enough to present to my writing class; perhaps I should just work on the one I wrote in class for an assignment on Thursday, even though it's short with no set meter or rhyme (which bothers me). Perhaps I could turn it into a sonnet or something...*snicker* I can just picture it: a sonnet about insanity, or not being insane, with the speaker slowly spiralling further and further into what perhaps is insanity--but then again, it might not be.
Or not. Just an idea.

I miss my 'boys.' It's weird, because I so rarely miss people. But I do. I've even started thinking about looking for a job post-graduation in the Pacific Northwest. But that could just be stalkerish.
Mom had a heart attack on Wednesday. I didn't find out about it until this afternoon (meaning Saturday afternoon). It threw me for a loop, and then some. I can feel myself shutting down and falling back into the strange void that randomly invades (and conquers) my entire being. I can't say I'll fight it, or even be upset--it's a far simpler and less painful way of dealing with issues, and once my subconscious (or whatever you wish to call it) has sorted things out, I return to normal--whatever normal may really be. But I just...I don't know. I don't know how else to respond to this, other than by my usual method, which is both dumb and dangerous. Unfortunately, it's the only thing I've ever known to do that actually works; everything else I've ever tried or that's ever been suggested has either failed or made things worse. So I'll shut down, instead. It should (I hope, at least) work, and thus far, I'm doing all right. But if something goes even more wrong, I don't know what I'll do. I'm close enough to the edge as it is, and this has pushed me closer. I don't want to be dancing on the edge of a muttering volcano (as a favourite author of mine once said), but it's the only solid ground within reach, and I don't know how to fly.

So I'll just keep dancing.

I shall be telling this with a sigh/Somewhere ages and ages since

I finally got back yesterday from summer vacation. Well, most of it was spent with my family in Costa Rica, and therefore doesn't really count as vacation. But, I got to spend a little over a week with 'my boys,' and those were the best days of my life--despite camping, nature, missing luggage, screwy flights, lack of sleep, truck breakdowns, and anal parents.

Sorry, I should probably elaborate. 'My boys' are four guys who live out in Washington (state), near-ish Seattle. They decided early in the summer to buy me a ticket to fly out there. To meet me. Yeah, I know--to meet me. As in, never met before. As in, meeting people I met on the Internet. In retrospect, it was incredibly, incredibly stupid; but there is only so long four different people can lie without tripping up somewhere, and it hadn't happened yet ('yet' being almost a year). It was incredible--a blast from start to finish, although there were several minor mishaps. But it was all totally worth it. Besides, I got bling. Andrew, one of the guys, had gone to Disneyland the week before and had bought a giant Chip n Dale pendant thing--it's bling. Disney bling, but still bling.

But now I'm back. I need to contact the counseling center here at uni to see if any of the on-staff people are qualified in cognitive or rational-emotive therapy. Cuz I kinda (okay, really) need it--my mind is almost literally split into segments, and no segment connects to any other segment, which kinda (okay, really) messes up my reality. Among other things.

In a nutshell, I've got a whacked-out depression subtype that is difficult to treat and notoriously unstable--as in, if someone blows their nose, I might kill myself. That kind of unstable. Which does explain a lot.
I've got a lot of features of borderline disorder, although I'm not actually borderline. I've also got formal thought disorder, and I can't see the big picture, just the small ones. Like a mosaic: I can see all the individual tiny pictures, but I can't see the whole thing, the overall result. Oh, and sometimes my depression causes me to shut down in a manner that gives me a lot of schizophrenic-ish symptoms--not the delusions, but the emotional things.

Oh, and my personal favourite, I'm schizotypal. Gotta love it--means I have a hard time dealing with people in significant ways, a hard time interacting with people, and I am literally incapable of connecting to people on a deep emotional level for very long, if ever. Lotsa fun, that.

A heap of broken images, where the sun beats/And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief

Internet was down for the last 48 hours. Grr.

I got my results back Thursday afternoon. Turns out I'm almost crazy, but not quite. Kind of inbetween the two places, sanity and insanity...figures. I'm too indecisive to choose. ^.^

But hey, we know what I'm dealing with now, so hopefully more specific treatments will help.

Hooray for the inbetween. Okay, no, not really.

Vast forms, that move fantastically/To a discordant melody

Was tested yesterday. I get the results on Thursday.

Disease is growing, it's epidemic/I'm scared that there ain't a cure

Well, the verdict is in. Sort of. The testing on Wednesday was not sufficiently conclusive to make any diagnosis. So I go back in on Monday for another round. However, there was one conclusion established that day: Whatever it is that I have has made my mind split in two; I don't perceive reality 'the way it is'--the quotes because I feel that my reality is how things are. But given the fact that I've become increasingly aware that the way the world manifests in my mind is extremely atypical, in a bad way. But I digress. My mind no longer functions as a whole, and without treatment, it will only get worse. Which is bad.

I just want to find out whatever it is that I have. Probably something unpleasant. I'm pretty sure it's not schizophrenia, but considering the fact that I've started hallucinating on occasion for about a week and a half now, you never really know. Which is also bad.

On the bright side, I got contacts! I can see! I'm so proud of myself, too--it takes me less than 10 minutes to put them in and/or take them out, which I like to think is good for someone who's only had them for 2 days. Hooray for one less complication in my life.