30.6.06

Halogen, the lights will flicker/Incandescent burning lies

You know what? I'm done. I've royally screwed over the kindest person I've ever known--and I've done it more than once. And if I'm forgiven, it will probably happen again. I don't want it to, but I'm not exactly in control a good percentage of the time. That, and when it comes right down to the point, I'm not capable of the kind of love required for the whole thing. Probably never will be. The deeper positive emotions, I've found, are 100% elusive, no matter how much I strive to reach them; they're always just beyond my grasp. So in consequence, those who are capable of reaching and feeling those emotions--especially deep, enduring love--scare me. Especially when those emotions are directed towards me, both because it makes me feel like a failure and because I can't reciprocate, no matter how much I want to.

My capacity to really love someone died six years ago, and I've never been able to resurrect it. And what is life without love? It's hell. It really is. The Apostle Paul wasn't kidding when he said that the greatest thing of all was love.

This will be my last blog post. I'm sick of sharing my feelings with every person to ever browse the internet. If you want to know what's going on with me, from now on, you'll have to write me.

It's been a mediocre experience,
Winter.

1 comment:

Whyt / Sparty said...

Hey.. I keep waiting to see you on AIm, but I haven't.. If you'd be so kind, would you E-Mail me at nathan.kanuchok@gmail.com with your address so I *can* write to you? 'Cuz every now and again you pop into my thoughts and as oddly similar and contrasting as we might be at times, I do still want to stay in touch.. I'm really bad at that. I'm sorry. Anyway, yeah. If you'd let me contact you, I'd be happy.