A heap of broken images, where the sun beats/And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief

Internet was down for the last 48 hours. Grr.

I got my results back Thursday afternoon. Turns out I'm almost crazy, but not quite. Kind of inbetween the two places, sanity and insanity...figures. I'm too indecisive to choose. ^.^

But hey, we know what I'm dealing with now, so hopefully more specific treatments will help.

Hooray for the inbetween. Okay, no, not really.


Vast forms, that move fantastically/To a discordant melody

Was tested yesterday. I get the results on Thursday.


Disease is growing, it's epidemic/I'm scared that there ain't a cure

Well, the verdict is in. Sort of. The testing on Wednesday was not sufficiently conclusive to make any diagnosis. So I go back in on Monday for another round. However, there was one conclusion established that day: Whatever it is that I have has made my mind split in two; I don't perceive reality 'the way it is'--the quotes because I feel that my reality is how things are. But given the fact that I've become increasingly aware that the way the world manifests in my mind is extremely atypical, in a bad way. But I digress. My mind no longer functions as a whole, and without treatment, it will only get worse. Which is bad.

I just want to find out whatever it is that I have. Probably something unpleasant. I'm pretty sure it's not schizophrenia, but considering the fact that I've started hallucinating on occasion for about a week and a half now, you never really know. Which is also bad.

On the bright side, I got contacts! I can see! I'm so proud of myself, too--it takes me less than 10 minutes to put them in and/or take them out, which I like to think is good for someone who's only had them for 2 days. Hooray for one less complication in my life.


They pay homage to a king/Whose dreams lie buried in their minds

So I lied. Once again, I made a quasi-hasty decision that I came to think better of. So, at least for now, I'm back.

There're other reasons, too. Like, I know there are people who read this who never comment and don't e-mail but still like to have at least a vague notion regarding what's currently going on in my life. Among other things. But I digress.

Main reason I'm writing is, I finally opened up about all my issues--a lot of which I didn't even realise were problems until 2 weeks ago (ish)--to my psychiatrist. One would naturally assume that this revelation and newfound honesty is a step in the right direction. However, all of my afore-mentioned issues apparently concerned my doc, because he's sending me to a clinical psychologist for some tests. Multiple tests. Psych tests. Tests they don't administer to someone who's merely suffering from long-term depression. I'm a bit worried, honestly, because I'm not sure what they'll find. I've gone through enough, trying to find a cure or a treatment or whatever you want to call it for depression, and none of it has worked; nothing has done anything more than slow down the mood swings from minutes to an hour or two. If there's something else, something worse, so to speak, I don't know how I'll take the news; with the lack of response to all manner of treatments for depression, lord only knows how poorly I'll respond to treatments for anything else.

For example. The most effective drug I have ever been placed on did not help me. This was a few weeks ago, actually. The med in question was supposed to boost the effectiveness of the other meds I'm already taking. Instead, it made me hear things. Things like people singing in my living room at two a.m. Things like hearing conversations in my bedroom when no one was in there, except me. Things like hearing my ceiling fan read aloud whatever I was currently reading. Not good. FYI, I'm not taking it anymore. It was an interesting experience, though; I'd never hallucinated before. There's a first time for everything, right?

Another example. Back when we thought it was just depression, my doctor was still concerned about my lack of response to any and all treatments. We're kind of running out of options. He suggested an almost-last-resort tactic, that has been around for ten years and, while approved everywhere else, is not approved by the FDA yet. Now, before anybody goes freaking out about this, the FDA approved aspirin, and hasn't approved the most effective menstrual cramp reliever I've ever had. But you probably didn't want to know that, so back to the point. Anyway, the treatment in question has a very high success rate (more than twice that of meds and/or therapy) without side effects of any kind. Too good to be true, right? Well, here's the catch: since it's not FDA approved, our insurance won't cover it. We can't afford it, we don't have the kind of money it would take to do the procedure. If it's approved within the next year or so, we'll do it; but otherwise, it's a no-go. Which sucks, because I'm getting desperate. Other than that, there's only one other option, and that's electroshock therapy. It's messy, it's painful, it's expensive, and the side effects are horrific. But it works. At this point, I'd do just about anything...

I go in for the tests on Wednesday. I don't know what to expect, or what will happen. I just hope, and pray (even though I don't really pray much anymore), that these tests will show what it is that's wrong with me, and maybe even how to fix it.