Something takes a part of me/Something lost and never seen

So apparently I know a celebrity of sorts. The head doctor in our mission used to just be a regular missonary doctor as opposed to being a doctor to missionaries; anyway, back in the 60's and 70's he was a doctor in the Congo. The very first Ebola outbreak happened in one of the major cities there, and so various researchers went out into the bush, so to speak, to question doctors and villagers about whether they'd ever seen anybody with symptoms corresponding to Ebola. Not only had the head doctor had a patient with said symptoms, but after the patient died, the doctor did an autopsy and a few days later developed all the symptoms himself--and survived. He's the first known, recorded survivor of Ebola Zaire, which kills about 90% of the people who catch it. So he's kinda famous, at least in medical circles.
I took my dog over to work today, to see how the clients would react. They were mostly positive, but A. was terrified, and when I handed M. a dog treat to feed to Patch, M. ate it instead...But like I said, it was mostly good.
Um, what else? I did laundry today, which is exciting, seeing as how I'm running out of clean clothing. I might clean the rest of my room, too, sometime this weekend. But then again, I might not. We'll see how things go.
I'm still really tired, but I'm hoping that will go away after I'm up a bit longer. I mean, the longer I'm up, the less tired I get, which is odd. You'd think it'd be the other way 'round, but noooo.
I ordered the next 2 Taltos omnibuses--I'm sure there's a different name for a collection of books bound into one volume, but I don't know what it is, so I'm sticking with the Brits and going with omnibus--from Amazon today; one was on sale for $5. Not too bad for a trade paperback. I should get them sometime next week. Thank you, N., for recommending those books to me.
Chalice comes out in like 2 weeks, and I'm terribly excited. SQUEE!!


I'm so tired.
That's all.


But I won't run/There's no turning back from here

So I just got back from work, and normally I'd be crawling into bed, but I have a doctor's appointment (yes, I always have doctor's appointments) in an hour and it's not worth going to bed for 45 minutes. I probably won't nap at all today, either, just so I can sleep tonight. I have...5 or 6 days off now...however many days there are between now and Wednesday next, because I don't have to work Labor Day like I originally thought I'd have to. But since I'm full-time, I still get paid for it. *jumps up and down just a bit (it would be more but I'm really tired)*
One of my coworkers got suspended for three days for not feeding G., who is currently too weak to freaking TALK, let alone feed himself. He didn't take him to the bathroom, either, but just let him lay there all day in his own mess. If it was up to me, I'd have fired his sorry ass.
On a much happier note. For those of you following the strange little story of N. and I, well, it's not quite as strange as it was, since a couple nights ago we decided to formalize things between us. Ladies and gentlemen, Nate and I are "together;" I daresay those of you who know/knew us aren't in the least surprised and are instead saying things along the lines of, "well, it's about time" or "you two are ridiculous." Yes, I'm fully aware that it's been over two years since things kind of got started, but at least we're not rushing things, right? :P Needless to say, I'm thrilled just to pieces. Not literally, of course.


Make believe, close your eyes/I'll be anything for you

So telling my mom wasn't anywhere near as awkward as I thought it would be. She wasn't surprised at all, and just said, "you'll make good decisions." I'd been worrying a bit (okay, more than a bit. More like a Bit) about how she'd react, but I guess more than anything I'd just forgotten how cool my mom can be. I think she was most impressed when I told her that because of him I feel, not that I'll be okay, but that even if I'm not okay, I can make it through. Which is a huge change, and major progress. Makes me want to abandon my five-year plan.
Ever have people talk about you? One of my problems is that I constantly believe people are talking about me, whether or not it's true. Doesn't matter, people are automatically talking about me behind my back. So when I know it happens, even when I know it's not negative, I tend to freak out a bit and want to know exactly what and why things involving me were being discussed in the first place. Unfortunately, in this case, the person I asked (okay, fine, interrogated) either honestly can't remember (which is possible) or doesn't want to say (which is also possible). Because she's my friend I'm going to pick the first one, even though my deep-seated inclination (again, because of the whole schizo thing) is to believe the latter.
I've eaten twice today, so I feel slightly sick. You know that feeling you get when you eat waaaaay too much? Yeah, that's me at the moment, despite having had a small hamburger and an even smaller handful of chips for lunch, and a half-bowl of cereal for breakfast. My doctor's encouraging me to eat more, but I just...can't. Maybe I can force down a bit of whatever we're having for dinner, but it won't be much.
Work was good this morning. Mostly because I've been in a really good mood since last night (thank you, N.), but also because we were almost fully staffed. When I got into Apt. 1 at 6, M.K. had already finished 3 of the guys. I mean finished. A. just needed breakfast, and he feeds himself. So I wasn't running around frantically trying to do four things at once like I was yesterday. So yeah, a good day. I'm just hoping work tonight goes alright, too.


The thing I cherish most in life/Cannot be taken away

Ever wonder how, with a slight perspective shift, everything around you seems to change?
Work this morning was hard. We were short 2 people, because idiot J. got suspended (finally) and one girl just didn't show. I was by myself in Apartment 1, where there's at least one other person to help, usually two other people helping. But not today. I lucked out, though, and a couple people offered to take time out of THEIR jobs to help me, but I actually (surprise surprise) didn't need it, and managed to get everybody out the door by 8:30, which really isn't bad--only 15 minutes later than usual, which is to say, 30 minutes EARLY. So today they were only 15 minutes early, and I don't think they minded too much. Oh, and I talked to M.K. (lot's of M's at work), and he said he'd be willing to switch shifts with me on the day of the Gaiman signing, which means I GET TO GO! I'd squee, but I'm so tired I don't really care. I know, though, that as soon as I feel better again I will be elated. I wonder if he'll be signing multiple book copies, because I really want to get one for Michelle, since it's totally cool and I missed her birthday this year.
Robin McKinley and her husband Peter Dickinson are (finally) publishing their second collaboration sometime next year, which is very cool. I love Robin McKinley, she's my absolute favorite author ever. To everyone who reads this, read something she's written, they're all great. Deerskin and Sunshine are rather dark, especially Deerskin, so you might want to start with something a litle less...grim. READ HER BOOKS!


Sanctus Espiritus/Redeem us from our solemn hour

I can feel myself slowly sliding back down into the whole depression thing, which is to be expected. I've been feeling better for a couple of weeks now, and the cycle must continue. On the bright side, I should be able to start sleeping again, since the doc. suggested I try yet another anti-depressant that's supposed to help with sleep. She's becoming a bit frustrated, I think, because there's fewer and fewer options.
On the bright side, I'm down in the 155 range weight-wise. Only five pounds to go and I'll be back the size I was when I left Taylor. Tell me: how is it that I can wear the SAME PANT SIZE as I did in middle school, but weigh 20 pounds more? It doesn't make sense to me at all. My boobs are bigger now, true, but boobs aren't that heavy.
I might not be able to go to Neil Gaiman's book signing, since the event is 3 hours away and starts at 7 pm, on a night that I work. Which means I'd have to be back by 11. Not feasible, really; I'm really really really hoping I can talk someone into switching with me so I can go. I wonder if he'd sign more than one book...
I'm so tired all the time now, again. I'm desperately wishing it's just lack of sleep, but somehow I doubt it. I knew the whole "better" thing was too good to be true. Damn it...


It's the last time I have tried/To lift you up, to make you fight

So the seemingly endless supply of Snickers has dried up. I knew I shouldn't have mentioned it. Have you noticed how whenever you bring something up, the worst possible (usually) scenario happens because of it? Which sucks, let me tell you.
One of the clients at work had MRSA, which is a really nasty internal staph infection that very rarely responds to treatment. Notice how I said "had". He's better now. But now someone else at work has it, so the worry isn't over yet. I'll let you know when he's better--in 3 or 4 years.
The weather is getting colder. Last night it was down around 50, which, when you're used to 80+, is really freaking cold. Oh, well. I like the cold, for the most part. It means snow is coming. ^.^
My appetite is failing. Yesterday, over the course of 24 hours, I had half a bowl of oatmeal with one piece of toast, two cookies, and half a fajita. And I had to force myself to eat even that much. I mean, in a way, it's nice because I don't have to worry about how on earth am I going to lose all that weight from the stupid Zyprexa, but it's a bit worrisome because I've never eaten this little before. Last night at work I didn't want to eat ANYTHING, but I made myself eat half a salad, and that's all I've had since 6 am. I'm not hungry yet.
It's funny. I was telling B. at work about why I seem to have comments on many of the meds the clients are on (because I've been on most of them), and her reaction kinda brought me up short. I'm sicker, I guess, than I ever really realized. At least the MS scare turned out to be nothing. But hopefully, if I'm very very lucky, within 5 years I could be down to just one medication instead of 7 or 8, like I take now. I'd rather not have to take any, but I'm not just going to stop taking my stupid-ass pills. I mean, come on, I don't want that ridiculous twitch coming back--again.


Whenever she is raging/She takes a life away

So according to N. and T.(O.), it's not so much that I'm scary as that I'm different. Apparently I just have a slightly different frame of reference, almost like I operate on a very slightly different plane, not hugely different but just enough to make it difficult to predict how I'm going to react to any given thing. Which is better than just being scary. Unpredictable is better than scary. I just had no idea. Is there anything else that I do/don't do that weirds people out?
At work one of the clients had a big bloody patch on his shirt this morning. The only place it could have come from was his mouth, and he couldn't have bitten his lip or his tongue because he has no teeth. So I'm (understandably) worried about him.
Operation Cookie was a success, apparently. Lots of cookies eaten, book started, that makes me happy. Plus the whole wrapped-around-my-cookie-baking-finger thing is always nice.
Oh, gosh, I had something else to say here, and I can't remember what it was. I hate it when that happens. I guess my wish to make this post a little longer than usual is going to be cut short. No pun intended.


Don't tell me if I'm dying/'Cause I don't want to know

Why is it that whenever a girl of a certain age gets sick, everyone automatically assumes she's pregnant? I think it's stupid. What if she legitimately has the flu? Or, like me, is on meds (or maybe something else) that make her sick? The odd thing is, no one assumed I was pregnant....I wonder why. Maybe they all fear the Wrath of Me, too. Which is funny, since I'm not exactly a wrathful person--it takes too much effort.
I (finally) got around to finishing Dragonhaven (just in time for Chalice next month) and am three-quarters of the way through the first Dresden book. I rather like it; it's got lots of magic going boom and evil things trying to kill the hero and ladies in distress getting killed before anyone can save them. All the kinds of things I like in a story, really. I wonder what the Taltos book will be like, since that's the obvious next step for me. I've still got about a dozen books that people have given me/I have bought that I haven't gotten round to reading yet it's actually a habit of mine which is good because it means I'll always have something to read.
Things seem to be looking up overall, but I don't know if it's just my own personal 18-month Cycle of Doom, or if I finally stumbled across meds that help. N. is helping a lot too, as is M. But friends have never been enough to keep me afloat, as sad as that is, and meds have yet to work. I guess we'll find out around Christmastime if I'm legitimately better or just going through the cycle. Not this Christmas, next Christmas. Christmas 2009. Which sucks, because I've still got something like 15 months before finding out. I wish there was a better, easier, faster way to do this. But there isn't, so I guess I just have to wait and see.


Feel the hands of fate/They're suffocating

I think I'm expected to make dinner tonight, yippee skippy. Not my idea of a fun time, but whatever. It could be a lot worse. I suppose my recent bout of proving just how domesticated I've become recently has come back to bite me in the butt. Oh, well, I'll live.
The one thing I don't like about overnights is that I can't put things off indefinitely: you know, "maybe if I wait long enough, someone else will do it." There's only two of us at night, and the work is pretty evenly divided. If I need help with something I can ask for it (like changing Steven), but that's about as far as it goes, since M.B. has her own work to do. It's even more important than mine, because she has to set up and administer everyone's medications. All I do is clean and make sure nobody hurts themselves while they sleep. It's kind of boring, but like I've said about eight million times, I don't mind it.
My library sucks. The interlibrary loan has very little to recommend it, even though it's statewide. More than half of the books on my reading list aren't available ANYwhere, and I'm talking about the critically-acclaimed international-bestseller ones. Which bites a LOT, let me tell you. Grar. (that's my "I'm not happy" noise.)


Took my sweet time when I was bitter/Someone understands

So the cookies are sent (four and a half pounds of cookies. Damn, I'm good), the bills are paid, and I am once again broke. But next paycheck I'll have the money so I can go see M. (YAY!) who I miss terribly. She's like my best friend and I haven't seen her in about a year and a half, which is driving me (and maybe her too) up the freaking wall. It's hard, living here in Podunk, with no friends except co-workers who are also at least 25 years my senior. They're nice and all, but let's face it--25+ years is a HUGE gap and there's not going to be a lot of bonding going on.
Oh, and I'm not sleeping. Again. I slept for maybe an hour and a half last night, and another hour-long nap this morning/afternoon (it was around noon, I think). I'm hoping that sleep deprivation will mean I sleep well tonight, but we all know how things like that go with me. I'm essentially screwed in the luck-and-hope department.
The house is wonderfully quiet, as both S. and one of the J.'s is gone for awhile, S. until Christmas. I'm relishing the quiet after the chaos of 4 teenage and early-twenties males visiting. And no, they weren't visiting me. Even I'm not that stupid. I know my limits. They were here for a week (one for 10 days) and I spent most of it hiding in my room, only going downstairs to bolt down my food at appropriate mealtimes and do what few chores could be done around the mess of 4 young men whose only purpose in being here was one big LAN party. But like I said, it's over and I'm basking in the peace.
I should go shave my legs or do more laundry or something.


I'm dying to catch my breath/Why don't I ever learn

Last night was good. Really good. I had a great conversation with N. that ended...on a really good note. Geez, "good" sounds so lame, but there you have it. What can I say? For the time being, I'm content and at peace.
T. (or O.) is doing better, which also makes me happy. I wish I could just say, "he's a jerk, move on," but that's not what needs to be said or done right now. So until it is, if it ever is, I'm fine with just being there for her.
I have to go back to work tomorrow, for the next week, and (once again) I'm not thrilled about it. I wish I had a job that I looked forward to, but until then I'll settle for one I don't mind too much, such as the one I've currently got.
I spent most of the afternoon in the kitchen, slaving away over the oven. Hopefully it's worth it.


The darkness crept its way/Like stars that we all know will die too soon

Work was interesting today. One of my coworkers I think got snubbed by some guy (or something along those lines) because she was incredibly bitchy the whole time. I couldn't help but think, good heavens, woman, grow up. Maybe he heard about your reputation and decided he didn't want to risk it. I could be totally wrong about this, but with her reputation as a man-eater, rejection is really the only thing that makes sense.
I made cookie dough today, but after dinner there was "no room" for leftovers so the cookie dough was taken out of the fridge. I'm going to have to go find room myself, or just make most of the cookies tonight. Either one works for me, I suppose.
N. recommended yet another series for me, but I can't for the life of me remember the name of the author or the main character. But then, I'm not good with names. I'm actually really BAD with names, until I get used to it. (Hence why N. is still more often S. to me. Don't get upset, sugarplum, it's just that old habits die really, really hard with me.)
Um, what else. Oh, I heard from a couple friends today, which was nice. And I got to talk to H. for a few minutes too, which is always awesome. I miss him, he's such a sweetheart.


No one told me it was gonna rain today/Turn my face down from the sky

I have to go back to work tomorrow morning, which isn't my idea of fun. Don't get me wrong, I like the clients, and most of my co-workers are all right, but still...I'd much rather stay home from work another day and goof off like I have been.
No progress on the new books yet, because I've been reading Dragonhaven again. It's really good and I would recommend it to everyone, especially those who like dragon stories. (Because it's mostly about dragons, but a little about people too) It's kind of a slower read, since there is just a lot of information to be taken in on every page, but that's one of the things I like about it. I just wish I could write like she does...
So, cookie plan is implemented tomorrow after I wake up from my after-work nap. Yes, I take an after-work nap. You try getting up at 5 am and not napping later.
Thellie, hon, I love you. Just thought I'd let you know. And I'm really glad you enjoyed the book.

Will we remember all of the suffering?/Cause if we fail, it will be in vain

Gah! Second day in a row now, that I haven't thought about blogging at all. I feel kinda stupid, but that's ok. Everyone's entitled to feel stupid sometimes, right?
My parents took me to Mankato today, and I bought a couple books that were recommended to me, as well as a couple of shirts and things. Then they took me out to dinner, which is always nice. I didn't get back until almost eight, and then I did something stupid, possibly. I volunteered to send Nate a care package of cookies. So now I have to make cookies, and find a box, and mail them. Hopefully by Tuesday. So now I need to dig up some peanut butter. And some chocolate chips. And hope I don't burn them. But I've never burned cookies before, so we'll see. Any cookie recommendations out there?
I hope I can fall asleep at a decent hour tonight, last night I didn't fall asleep until 5 am, which sucked BIG time. I'm not a fan of lying awake for hours and hours.
Hm, what else. Robin McKinley's book comes out in just over a month, and I'm terribly excited. And Neil Gaiman is having a book signing here in Minnesota in October, and if I can swing the time and funds, I'm going, because I think he's brilliant, second only to Robin McKinley. Unfortunately, she refuses to do book tours in the US because she lives in the UK and let's face it, it's kind of a long way away. Which sucks for all of us.


Broken heart resistor/It's not like that over here

So I just realised that I hadn't even thought about writing anything today, which is weird and not entirely a good sign because I'm trying to turn this into a daily thing. I need to instill some form of daily discipline in my everyday life, and writing is a good discipline to develop. Hence the attempts at a daily post. So far, so good, but usually as soon as I say that I forget or get sick or something comes up and I never get around to doing it again.
I envy people who write stories. They have discipline and creative talent, both of which I lack. I know I write well, on the rare occasion that I actually put pen to paper, but to be perfectly honest I don't care enough to write stories down. I like them staying up in my head, because they're my stories and not intended to be shared. Besides, this way nobody can tell me that they're lame, even though they usually are. Except for the one with the guy chained to the desk, that was cool. I wrote it while on Ambien so I wasn't actually in control of anything I was doing, and actually can't remember writing it at all. So I guess really it doesn't count.
Any tips for better writing would be appreciated.


These colors come alive/In your heart and in your mind

It's a good day. Despite a nasty phone call, which I have to admit is partly my fault. I didn't say things quite the way I intended to, but my point came across. In my defense, I had literally just been woken up, so...yeah.
Work is done for several days, and I'm happy about that. It's always nice to have a few days off, especially now that I'm back in touch with friends and can spend my free time talking to them.
I got some good news just now, too. Very good news, and I'm....gosh, happy sounds lame.
D&D 4th edition is out, and I'm not a huge fan, just because I really like 3.5 and am just finally getting the hang of all the piddly little details. Plus I have most of the books, and now I'll have to go out and get all the new 4 books instead, and at $25 a pop, that's not something I'm hugely keen on. Everybody I've talked to says the changes are great and the new edition is totally worth it. I'm not sure, but it's probably because I'm not a huge fan of change. I'd be happy with 3.5 for all eternity, but I know a lot of people wouldn't be. Besides, it's not like there's anybody here I can play with, since nobody in this town has even freaking HEARD of D&D. Which is depressing.


Again and again I try/To understand the demons inside

The shit is going to hit the fan tomorrow. I think. I get to tell someone what I've been thinking for the past 3 weeks or so, and things probably aren't going to go well. In my defense, though, I really don't think I want to be friends with someone who treats people as callously as he does.
I am so tired. I'm kind of missing the not-sleeping phase, because at least then I was wide awake all the time. Now I'm just a little groggy, and that's not fun. It keeps me from doing much at all, since I'm too out of it to think completely straight.
Good heavens, what I wouldn't give for a shoulder rub right now. I carry all my stress in my shoulders, and any and all stress-relieving techniques last for maybe 15 minutes, which means I usually just don't bother. I've had a minor headache for the past 2 years because of it. It's become fairly easy to ignore, but it's still there and lesser nuisances have a way of becoming big nuisances if left alone too long.
I got flashed at work this morning. 'Nuff said.
I'm kind of excited for therapy tomorrow, since I'm starting the second facet/module/branch/thingy/whatever of DBT three weeks early. Starting it early is huge, because it's rare. I usually don't catch on to abstract concepts terribly quickly, either, and it's supposed to take 8 weeks to go through each segment. I'm kind of nervous about this next one, too, though, because it's the one about interpersonal relationships and how to keep from blasting them into oblivion and I have a really hard time not doing that. I don't want to keep doing it, either--especially not now. There are a couple of people in my life I really, really don't want to lose, but if I'm not careful, I might. *sighs* So we'll see what happens.


You've opened the door now/Don't let it close

I feel...quietly happy. Not manic happy, not even the happiness you get after a good time with friends. This is different, somehow. It's quiet, which is not to say contained, and it's self-sustaining. I doubt it'll burn out anytime soon. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. I feel blessed.
I stayed up way too late last night, which actually has something to do with how I feel now, and I really ought to go to bed soon. Three hours of sleep is not enough for anybody.
I'll write more tomorrow, I promise.


It's growing, it's waiting/Just to hurt you

Work was....long. Very long. R. livened things up, though. He's a nice guy, though he needs to stop telling the clients to call me a 'sexy mama.' It was funny the first dozen times, but now, not so much. S. wants me to date him, and I just looked at her like, 'yeah, right.' I barely know the guy. Instead of having her play matchmaker, I invented an imaginary boyfriend who lives in Michigan. I just know it's going to come back to bite me on the ass, but it will keep people from trying to match me up with (sadly) the only decent guy in town. Plus, he's taller than me. Why am I still talking about this?
I love M. I think she's great. She has kept me from doing irreparable damage to myself, and proven that she's cared in infinite little ways that she's probably unaware of. You've saved my life, M., literally, and I love you for it. ^.^
I think I have a sinus infection. Either that, or my allergy medications have suddenly gone from helping me to making me infinitely worse. I can barely breathe and my throat just burns. It doesn't ache, it burns; and the burning is too far down my windpipe for that spray stuff, or even cough syrup or drops, to help. Dad had one not long ago, and I think I caught it from him. His is gone, so mine should get better in a few days. I mean, it's not quite as much of a struggle to breathe as it used to be, so I'm already technically getting better. Technically isn't really good enough, though.
Wow, I'm struggling to type accurately and at speed, which is becoming frustrating. I'm not entirely sure why, either. It's not like I'm short of sleep this time 'round, or anything like that. I think I'm going to try to figure out what's up with my sudden loss of fine motor skills.


Shot down by strangers/whose glances can cripple

Some interesting things have come to light today, things that I feel I must somehow...rectify. Not entirely sure how, but I'm going to try. All we can do is try, right?
One last overnight, and then two morning shifts, and then one last overnight and I'm done until next week. I'm looking forward to the break I sort-of get on Monday, because Monday morning I get home from work and don't have to go in until the next morning, so I have almost 24 hours off, which is terribly exciting. I usually only have 13 or 14 hours off. Yes, I work long shifts, but I don't mind. I actually don't mind my job too much. I mind aspects of it, like cleaning people up after accidents, but for the most part it's not bad. The overnights help, because it's quiet. I like quiet, except when I like noise, which isn't often, to be honest. My ideal vacation is when the rest of the family leaves and I get to spend time alone. I don't get that much anymore, because my brother hates leaving the house, but he usually stays in his room and I stay in mine, so it's not too bad. It's still not the same, though.
I'm back to losing weight, which is good, because now I've only got 15 more pounds to lose until I'm back to the size I was this summer...I miss being a size eight. I hadn't been a size eight since middle school. Looking at things a bit more objectively, my sister's a size six, and she's pretty thin. So I guess a size eight is small, too. It's always different, though, when you're looking at yourself. You see all the little tiny flaws that no one else will ever notice and can't believe that no one but you sees them. Plus, I'm curvy, which makes me feel bigger. I have to wear size large shirts just so I can get them past my chest, and so I usually feel a little frumpy because the rest of me isn't a size large. Luckily my mom is good friends with people who are really good with a sewing machine and they alter my clothes for free. I've offered to pay them, but they won't take money. I try not to abuse the privilege, though.
I started writing a story last night. It's the one where I'm supposed to name a character after the friend who gave me the idea, but I was having trouble coming up with a character who could suitably be named after him. I finally figured something out, though. He may not be best pleased, but that's not my fault. I can only write what the Story Council (thank you, Robin McKinley, for finally putting a name to it) permits me to write, as they permit me to write it. Half the time I blank out while I'm writing, and my fingers just move over the keyboard of their own accord. They stop when the story's done, and I have no idea what it is that I've written. It's never failed me yet, though. I wrote a couple of really good stories that way, one of which even got published. Granted, it was the university literary journal, but still, published is published, and now my name is in print on 500 bookshelves. Which is totally cool. We'll see how this one goes, as it's my first foray into the world of fantasy. Go figure, eh? I'm a huge fan of fantasy books and stories, but I've never actually written one. All of mine are just based on people I know and events that have happened. So yeah, we'll see.


I write clever words on paper/I sometimes think I don't believe at all

I'm tired. Not terribly so, and not to the point where I need to go to bed. It's more the, I'm slightly sick and just woke up, kind of tired. I should be okay by tomorrow, though. "Should be" being the operative word here.
It's kind of odd, being sick again. I thought I'd be fine now that I'm off the lithium, but apparently the new meds also have the nasty side effect of MAKING ME SICK, which I'm not happy about. Maybe it's just the lithium. Maybe. I hope. Please.
So I have a new story idea. It's about damn time, wouldn't you say? Over a year since the last one. We'll see if I ever get it from notebook to computer. If I do, I just may send it to a few of you as a, "ha! I still write, sometimes, kind of" sort of thing. Or "fing," as Nobby would say. (Eight million points to whoever knows who Nobby is, by the way) It's (sadly) not even my own idea, but I did get permission from the originator of said idea, as long as I named a character after him. I'm thinking the token curmudgeon, but that could change. N. isn't a very good name for a curmudgeon, after all. We'll have to see what pops up. And yes, I said notebook. I write all my stories (all three of them) longhand first, I think because writing takes me longer and therefore my thoughts have a bit more time to compose themselves properly than when I type. I could write faster if I really wanted to, but then I'd have the problem of not being able to read anything I've written. Not good. So until I figure out something between the two that's more convenient, I shall continue writing out my stories in my semi-pretty (semi according to me, pretty according to B., whom I miss very much) handwriting.
3 of the four of my brothers' friends leave on Monday morning. I can't say as I'll miss them.


Give me strength to face the truth/The doubt within my soul

So, on to the very special blogging entry. Since most of these recent entries have been entirely serious in nature, I've decided to continue in that vein, but for once this entry isn't about me. It's about a universal argument (and one that, personally, I think is rather stupid)--the one about pirates vs. ninjas. Both of whom are, or at least should be, vs. hobos.
Pirates have advantages. Close bonds with shipmates, lots of gold to purchase lots of weapons, a penchant for violence. The problem with pirates is that not only do you know they're there, but you need a whole shipload of them for them to be effective.
Ninjas, on the other hand, are quiet, solitary, and wear those nifty black outfits that are appropriate for every occasion. If a ninja does his job right, you never know he's there. But that's the problem. You don't know if it was, in fact, a ninja, or some freak Act of God, as the insurance people call it.
Which brings me to the third group, hobos. I know little to nothing about them, except that they ride rails, make something called hobo stew, and while solitary, can work together in groups to avoid authority figures. Which gives them a huge advantage over both ninjas and pirates. After all, they've got reliable transportation (pirates don't, as they never know when someone else will be sinking their ship), food (ever hear of ninja soup? Pirate pizza? Didn't think so), and can work singly or in groups. Granted, they're not known for pillage, plunder, or quiet murder, but still. I think the advantage in adaptability is clearly theirs. Plus, they have a parade every year somewhere in Iowa. I know this to be true, for M., that incorruptible font of knowledge, has told me so. She's been there.
In conclusion: probably nobody would win. There'd be dozens of dead pirates, a couple of dead ninjas, and five or 10 dead hobos to deal with/clean up. Poor hobos.


If I cannot save her spirit/Dad says I should break her spine

So tomorrow will be a very special blogging entry, because a very dear friend of mine suggested the topic. Be prepared for something very...unusual.
By the way, don't ever put lavender in cookies, cuz that's gross. REALLY gross.
So once again I was lying in bed, wide awake, thinking about why I can't fall asleep for THE FIFTH NIGHT IN A ROW, and I realised that I envy other people in the relationships they have with their siblings. I thought I'd write a semi-open letter to my brother (which I know he'll never read) because this is the only way I can think of to finally vent my frustration.
Dear Sam,
I've been thinking about this quite a bit now, and I've come to realise that we are not, nor have we ever been, friends. Siblings, yes. Friends, no.
Why is this? Well, I've never felt entirely comfortable around you, seeing as how you're everything I've wanted to be and become, and you see me as nothing but disturbed (note to other readers: this is not an assumption, it's a direct quote from him). The few occasions I've tried to confide in you, you either pick a fight for your own stupid amusement or you start yelling at me in a seriously misguided attempt to fix me. Quit preaching at me and just see me as I am.
Come find me when you're willing to get past your stupid little hang-ups about my issues. We'll talk then.


I could have made it better/but the feelings just aren't there

I got clawed at work today. One of my clients just reached up and raked his nails down my arm. So if I die of necrotizing facitis, we all know why.
I'm anti-lithium. I suppose I should explain this. Lithium is a wonder drug that works for most people like me (re: the bipolar fragment of society). The trick is that the levels in the bloodstream have to be just right. If they're just a little bit too low, the lithium has no effect. If there's just a little too much, you get what's known as lithium poisoning. Unfortunately, for some people, there is no "just right"--it's either too low or too high with no in-between. Even more unfortunately, I'm one of those people. So there I was, taking my lithium like a good little girl and wondering why I was getting violently ill ALL THE TIME. Ok, not all the time per se, just every half hour or so. For a week. My mom called my doctor who told me to stop taking it, and while I'm mostly better, my GI system is apparently still really FUBAR'ed, to the point where I can expect occasional "distress" for the next month. Keep in mind, I haven't been on lithium since mid-June. This means that now they have to try a bunch of lesser-known and not-quite-as-effective medications until/unless they find something that works. So far, no luck. But then, this is Me we're talking about here, and since when do I have any luck?
Nobody seems to believe me when I tell them I wear colors that aren't black. It's true! I even own pastels. And I wear them. I also wear skirts now, and not all of them are short plaid ones. Ok, so only one of them isn't plaid, but still...
I talk about the weirdest things on AIM. Granted, it IS with the weirdest people, so maybe that explains it.
The pharmacy where I get my Rx filled is already full of Halloween supplies. It's barely August, people! What's wrong with you? Wait until September at least, for heaven's sake!


Her heart still beats inside/The blood runs in her veins

It's interesting, isn't it, how everyone's lives continue on, despite you losing track of them for any reasonable (or unreasonable, as the case may be) length of time? Breakups, engagements, losses, new jobs, moves, car wrecks, anything you can think of, really. I've spent the last year and a half so wrapped up in my own misery that I lost all sight of the world around me. I'm a bit better now, and am at least making an effort; I'm just hoping I stay strong enough to keep focusing outward. As long as I can do that, I should be ok.
I still miss Jenn. I'm not sure why things spontaneously combusted, but they did. The only consolation I have is that I know it wasn't my fault this time. Unfortunately, that means I don't know if I can fix it. I probably can't, seeing as how I've made my best efforts and they've all come to precisely nothing.
Decisions are interesting, too--how much they affect you and others. A or B, or maybe C. The odd thing is that despite what we claim, all too often we're too afraid to change the status quo, so instead of really choosing something (by definition excluding all other options), we vacillate and kind of lean in one direction or another, hoping the decision will be made for us or, even better, the need to choose will go away altogether.
On a bright note, I heard from J today! No period after the J, since I've called him J for years now. He's just....J. I love him dearly and have missed him like crazy. To everybody who reads this who cares, he's the real reason I'm still alive. I don't break my promises, no matter how much I want to. I've come close, but never gone through with it. So, once again (and I'm sure you'll get this from me off and on for the rest of your life), thank you, J.
The two Within Temptation CD's that were supposed to be released today aren't available in this godforsaken town yet, which is incredibly depressing since I've been wanting to buy them since FOREVER ago. I'll probably check the store every week or so until they're released there. I mean, they ought to be, seeing as how it carried their previous US release. Gah, stupid American companies that don't go for un-American products. And no, things that say "Made in China" are not un-American, they're about as American as you can get nowadays.


For saving me for all they've taken/Let my armor fall again

I mailed some stuff out today, including that godforsaken watch and some books, none of which was mine. Well, ok, technically the watch was a permanent loan and never intended for return, but I figure the easiest way for me to get rid of it without feeling guilty is to send it back to the owner. Though to be honest, why I should feel guilty about trashing it I don't know, since I no longer want friends like him.
Thellie's having a hard time of it, so I ordered The Thirteenth Tale and had it sent off to her. Hopefully she'll get it soon. It's a phenomenal book, I'm actually a little ticked that she hasn't read the damn thing yet. But she will soon.
I went back to work today. It was uneventful, except for the nearly-throwing up part. Nice to know my stomach isn't back to its usual imperturbable self yet. Can a stomach have selfhood? I suppose some people would think so.
On a final, somewhat random note, I love the new Disturbed album.


Did you hear the news today?/I'm not coming home, no

I go back to work tomorrow. It's been a long 4 (well, ok, 3 and 1/2) days. Thank God for M. and C. and T., because they made the length seem a little bit shorter. I'm not looking forward to going back to work, either, mind you; but at least there'll be something to do.
My two brothers each have two friends coming this week: 3 arrive on Tuesday and one on Thursday, and they all think I'm a freak. Not in a good way, either. So I have to deal with that, too.
I drove my dad up to the airport today, since he's got meetings in Guatemala until Thursday. He was going to take the car and just park it there, but when my mom and I pointed out that that would necesitate one of us not going to work for the whole week due to lack of transportation, he realised his idea wasn't exactly a brillant one, and so changed his mind. Hence the driving. It was nice to get out of the house and just drive relatively aimlessly for 3 hours (well, technically 6, since it was a round trip). I thought about stopping in at the Mall o' A. for an hour or two, but then I remembered I didn't have mom's cell phone to tell her I'd be home late, and she tends to panic if I'm more than 10 minutes late. It would have been fun, though. I haven't been there since I was a wee lass of 10. Maybe next time, or maybe not. We'll see.
It's about 90 degrees right now, and since I don't have airconditioning, I feel like I'm melting into the ground, which is gross.

Oh, and I haven't cried yet today.


Thinking but not acting/that they're not to blame

So apparently people need a how-to guide in order to talk to me, which I find both offensive and funny. I'm not hard to talk to, people. I go Librarian-poo for other reasons--namely, fear. And panic. But mostly fear. If you want to talk to me, just follow these 3 easy steps:
1. Open mouth
2. Speak words
3. Repeat or shut up
See? it's really not that hard. I'd recommend you try it sometime. You'll find I can be quite amusing, rather cynical, and a sometimes intelligent conversationalist.

On a different note, I've been crying off and on for the past several days. Since Wednesday night, to be specific, so I suppose that qualifies as several. I didn't think it would hurt this much. I guess I cared/care more than I thought. But if just friendship is what you want, then I'll be more than happy to take that. I just don't want you out of my life. I was stupid enough before, out of jealousy and anger that you left (I was vain enough to read it as leaving me). I don't want to do that again, go through that again. Take your month, or year, or as long as you need. But...come back. Please.

God, I'm such a girl. What's wrong with me? Well, as C. told me, the thing about being a girl is that we get to act like it sometimes, and I suppose that's true. Well then, here's hoping I don't do it too often. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak, and we all know how much I enjoy that.


I will overcome/their violence, your silence/although I'm coming undone

So gas is down to $3.67 a gallon, which is good. My meds aren't working, which is bad. But then, since when have my meds worked? Answer: never. So that really isn't a change worth mentioning.
Sorry it's been so long, but I kind of crashed and burned. Turns out I'm bipolar (explains a whole hell of a lot, doesn't it?), and went into a manic phase for a couple of months and then went downhill to the point where, in June, I had to be hospitalised for 10 days. Fun, fun. Didn't help a whole lot, but at least now I know what day it is, and that's an improvement. Right? Isn't it?
I'm kind of disappointed in A. He told me various things a couple weeks ago, and they hurt. A lot. And now I'm just angry. Nothing quite like someone telling you that you can't ever be friends with them again, but they could be put upon to be friendly towards you if you really wanted and if they worked hard at it. No explanation was given, no reasons stated. Just, "I can't be friends with you." Which sucks.
Ok, ok, I realise I do this to people too, but I'm getting better at not doing it. I'm in therapy to prevent it. I care enough about it to want to try to fix it, and I'm willing to at least TRY to be friends with people, with some notable (read: abusive, manipulative bastards) exceptions.
On a slightly brighter note, the Black Symphony is coming to DVD in September, which is now technically next month. OMG, when I found out I almost squealed like a fangirl (no offense, Bekah). Oh, right. You probably don't know what the Black Symphony is. See, the greatest band in the world (IMHO), Within Temptation, did this concert in the Netherlands backed up by an orchestra and a classical choir. I would have given a kidney, part of my liver, and both legs to have been there, but since the DVD is being released I at least get to keep my body parts. Plus, bond is releasing a new CD, as is Brave St. Saturn.
AND, some of my favorite authors (ok, most of them) have books coming out in the next 2 months: Robin McKinley, Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman, Elizabeth Peters, George RR Martin, and Kathy Reichs. Gah, I'm so excited.