My dreams, my works/Must wait till after hell

That about sums me up, right there. Hurray, hurray. For those of you going, 'oh geez, what now?!', I shall explain, a bit. I am single, once again. The end was quick and bitter, as the poet said...I can't say I didn't see it coming, although I will say I wish it hadn't come; at least, not come the way it did. Almost like something out of middle-school, without the screaming and yelling. Just anger and hurt. And sadness. Lots of sadness.

Let me tell you a secret, readers mine: My comments about never getting married are only somewhat true. For while I honestly do not believe that I will ever marry, it is not because I don't want to, for that is one of my strongest wishes; it is, instead, because things in my life seem to continually go to pot, so to speak. The one good relationship I had died in a car accident a year ago...So like I said, to pot.

I went out and used my gift card, the one my parents gave me for Christmas, for Barnes and Noble. I bought 2 Neil Gaiman books (Neverwhere and Smoke and Mirrors), and a nice little hardcover book of poetry called The Hell with Love. It made me happy, and the poems inside did too, so I bought it. Nothing quite like a collection of poems filled with bitterness, anger, and random swear words to brighten one's day.

Watched Serenity. It was good, but not what I was expecting from everyone's rave reviews. I definitely preferred the series to the movie, but I think that it's because there was more witty dialogue in the TV show; and they killed Wash, which was not cool. Not cool at all.

Another semester will be starting soon. I'm hoping that, with my fatigue being dealt with and a room to myself, this will be a better semester than the last one...Well, considering the last one still gives me nightmares (I had 3 in my first week in CR...I had another one 2 nights ago; all of them made me wake up in a cold sweat, nearly hysterical with panic and frustration), I certainly hope this one goes better. For those of you who pray, please pray that I will not be driven to the brink of sanity and caused to teeter precariously over the edge of it; and that I will be able to get decent sleep all semester long, instead of having to wait until the very last week to do something about it. Oh, and while I'm discussing things I hope for this semester, let's add me being able to stand up for myself and not be a doormat; to quit falling for guys who will only screw me over and leave me shattered by the wayside; and healing. Yeah, healing would be nice, especially since I'm so much worse than I let you believe....even during the moments in which I'm obviously aching and broken, you only see the surface...what you see then is my continual state of existence, only at those particular moments I'm so much worse that my safety net weakens and shows you the basic feelings that colour my perceptions.

I'm going to go read American Gods now. And then sleep, because sleep is good. Sleep is very, very good.


I could not/Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither/Living nor dead, and I knew nothing

Thgil (Andrew), you'll probably never read this, but if you do, thank you for your kindness last night. You went out of your way to reassure me that, contrary to personal opinion, I am not a horrid person or a miserable failure. I do not take your words for granted.

Michelle, thank you for putting off sleeping last night/this morning to tell me that I'm not screwed up beyond repair, and that the blame does not fall on me. You convinced me that I am worth more, deserve better; now I need to find the strength inside to demand it from others.

Whitney, thank you for loving me and caring about my well-being. You believe that I am a priceless treasure, and while I may disagree with that statement, your conviction has led me to believe that, at the very least, I deserve better than I have received.

And yet, despite the comfort and assurance received, I still am broken and hurting. I would give nearly anything to be numb; or better yet, to have answers.

Anybody feel like confronting for me? I don't have the strength to survive it...


The ways deep and the weather sharp/The very dead of winter

Mad props (*snicker*) to the first person to ID that quote--well, to anyone, really, who can ID that quote.

Stitches (the first layer) came out last week, and I'm doing relatively well. Not in as much pain anymore, and the weight loss has stopped. Still hurts, though. Especially when sneezing, which I do often due to horrific allergies.

I learned a new word yesterday: sesquipedalian. (Definition: someone who likes to use big words) I figure it rather applies to me, and Jenn, and Mateo a bit, too.

My mother bought me books, which made me happy; something like 20 new books, including Coraline by Neil Gaiman. I'd never read anything of his before, but upon Steve's recommendation, I bought the only one of his works they had available. It's a children's book, but a freaky one. I will never look at black buttons the same way again... I also got a bunch of classics, which also made me happy. A lot of them are ones I've been looking for (ie Persuasion, the Alice books, Phantom of the Opera, Dracula, etc), so now I can scratch off a portion of my "Books to Acquire" list.

I've been doing a lot of thinking of late, mostly because I'm still not well enough to leave the house, and have come to several conclusions, the first being, I have terrible health. I think my immune system, or perhaps my entire body, is out to kill me. I mean, if it's not a concussion, it's constocondritis, or really bad mono, or PCOS, etc, etc, forever and ever, amen. It would be a miracle if I could go for 6 months without an injury or illness.

Speaking of illnesses, I did some research regarding endometriosis, which is my latest medical, um, issue. Turns out, not only are there no ways to test for it, nobody knows what causes it, or how to treat it effectively (effectively in this case meaning 'make it go away for good'). The cysts and spots it causes can be surgically removed (which is what they did), but they will come back. The only treatment that works even a little is a type of hormone therapy, where the person in question is injected with a drug that shuts down ovarian function for a set time period and thereby inducing a form of temporary menopause (but without the facial hair, adam's apple, etc). 25% of people receiving this treatment have the problem return in 2 years, 60% in five. By year 10, it's back with everybody. Which doesn't bode well for me, considering my track record with disease. I'm guessing 2 years, 4 max, before it starts to come back. But to be honest, I'm glad they did something now, because the big cyst was ready to rupture, which would have caused even more problems.

But as for the second conclusion: I don't feel as though I belong--anywhere. Yes, I have good friends--Sasha, Steve, 'the guys', Austin, Sparty, Jenn, Whitney, Jon--but, with the sole exception of Austin, nobody's nearby. Which sucks, to say the least. Friendship is, and always has been, a precious thing to me--mostly because, for years and years, I didn't have any real friends. That's why I cling to them, to you, so tightly. You guys are priceless; so, so precious.

And the third, and final conclusion: The so-called mind reading Jenn accused me of in the past is growing. It has been, really, for months now. And it's starting to scare me. I'm more and more disgusted by what I see in people, that few or no others know of; but since I have no proof, I can't say anything. I can't control it, either. I've always believed that thoughts should be private--humans can't read minds for good reason. I'm not saying I can read minds; but...sometimes, more and more often now, I know things...things I have no basis for knowing, things I don't want to know, things I shouldn't know, things that it's not possible for me to know. But I do anyway.

Jenn, I blame you. The whole thing started with you...so, it's your fault. >.< (that's a squinchy-eyed face, fyi)

I don't miss Taylor. I miss classes (yes, I miss learning. I enjoy, really really enjoy, acquiring new information about things), and I miss my friends. My D&D group, Michelle, Austin...I miss you guys. A lot. But, I'll be seeing you all in a few weeks, so...yeah.