try as they might/to avoid his gaze

My brother (the younger of the two) and I had a bit of a row today. His dog bit the family dog as it was walking past, and got his head in her jaws and was shaking it (her head) back and forth--with the other dog's head still stuck in her maw. I got mad, as did everyone but my brother, and yelled at Muffin--his dog. He snapped at me, saying she didn't do anything wrong (sure), and put her outside.
After dinner, she started yowling and wouldn't stop. I told her to shut up, and brother once again snapped at me, saying that a) I yell too much, and b) I should just suck it up. Suck what up? I asked. My depression, he said.
Which was the last straw. I'm never in a good mood while on my period, and it's precisely that sort of idiot comment that is best guaranteed to arouse my ire. And it was aroused. I told him, first, that if I could suck it up, as he put it, I would never have come back here, since my intention was to never, ever return to this place (it's my own personal hell), though I planned to call on Christmas and Mother's Day. I then told him that my plans changed, however, because if I hadn't made it down here, I most likely would have died.. This upset him a bit, so he continued to yell at me, repeating his previous comment that I yelled too much. I actually haven't yelled since the second week I've been here, which (for me, at least) is pretty darn impressive. I didn't say this, since I wasn't exactly in the mood for technicalities, so I just told him that he cried too much. Upon which he burst into tears and said that he couldn't help being sensitive. At that point, I wanted to tell him to suck it up, but I didn't. Hooray for improved self-control. He ran off to his room and slammed the door, but not before my mom saw him in tears.
Here's where things REALLY start to make me...irritated. She automatically assumed that I had done something horrific, like told him to hang himself, and came after me in righteous anger. I told her exactly what had happened, and walked away. It's precisely this sort of thing that makes me hate coming 'home.' It's not the only reason, but it's one of them--if someone is upset, it's deemed my fault. I'm not altogether sure why, though I wouldn't be surprised if being the unsatisfactory child has something to do with it. I wanted (and still want) to point this out, along with a million other things, but I managed to keep my mouth shut, which in retrospect is a really good thing. Because even if I had kept my tone and my words benign and non-confrontational, things would only get worse. Because that's what always happens. I tried talking to my dad once, about why I never want to talk to him. I used terms like "I realise you don't intend it to seem this way, but I feel that..." and I got yelled at for being wrong. So now I just don't bother, though it's starting to all bottle up inside of me, and I'm not looking forward to the day when I can't keep quiet any longer and just blow up. Hopefully it won't happen--or at least, happen in a counseling session or something similar. But knowing my luck, I doubt it.

I don't know if I mentioned this before, because it's been so effing long, but since I've been back I've been accused of bulimia, which offended me a LOT, especially since it came from someone I liked and respected and who I thought at least saw me in a fashion on the positive side of indifference. She also thinks I'm a liar and a whore. I wanted to call her a fat cow--because she is, but that's beside the point--but my mom was there, and the woman in question is good friends with my mom, and it would have been all sorts of bad. But if it happens again, I don't care if the woman in question never speaks to any of us again--I'm going to speak my mind. It'll be a release, too, after having to bite my tongue day after day around my family. I'm going more and more insane, staying with them. I'm realising more just how little I have in common with, and how little I like, these people. As soon as possible I'm leaving and not looking back, though I'm tempted to stick it out since they have great insurance and as long as I'm a dependent, I get full coverage.

On a completely different note, I finally got hold of enough cream cheese to try my hand at making cheesecake, which I've heard is a bitch to make, is time-consuming, etc, etc, forever and ever amen. It was surprisingly easy, though, and it turned out wonderfully. I think I was expecting a challenge, though, and so it was a bit disappointing. Maybe I'll try souffle next time, I'm pretty sure there's a souffle dish around here somewhere...

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