10.8.05

"The time has come," the Walrus said/To talk of other things

Or maybe it's just time to talk, period. I haven't posted much of anything lately, and what I did post was either banal or a quick, "I'm still alive; more later." And once again, this is gonna be a quickie. I think. Depending on how long expressing the following takes.

I am about to disappoint my parents. Well, not about to, exactly--it'll be around Christmas time that I finally work up the chutzpah to talk to them--my mom, anyway--about stuff. And not about to, exactly, because it's been going on for, oh, about four years now.

It scares me. I've never really disappointed my parents before. I was always the good, well-behaved child....I was known as "the responsible one." Not "the funny one," not "the smart one," not even "the weird one." I went to church, was in a Bible study, active in youth group, accepted Jesus and was baptised (by my dad, no less). I never got into trouble at school (never even got a detention, and the only times I was sent to the principal's office was to pick up school supplies or something like that), always did my chores, never snuck out, never rebelled, never did drugs, alcohol, tobacco, nothing. I was the model daughter.

And they still think I am. Most of it hasn't changed. Most of it. I'm still a drug-free, responsible student who respects her elders and obeys the rules, even when I don't agree with them. But what will break my parent's heart isn't that--it's my total disillusionment with...things. I hate to think of how they'll react when I finally tell them what's been going on since I was 16, but I know I have to. Grr. Stupid conscience.

This went on longer than I thought. G'nite, all.

1 comment:

christine said...

I love you too! I wanted to see you this summer but things happened and I really haven't seen anyone. Hardly even my friends from home. arg. Anyway, only 2 more weeks. yay!!! Thanks for leaving a comment, glad to know someone still cares I'm alive...