29.1.06

My dreams, my works/Must wait till after hell

That about sums me up, right there. Hurray, hurray. For those of you going, 'oh geez, what now?!', I shall explain, a bit. I am single, once again. The end was quick and bitter, as the poet said...I can't say I didn't see it coming, although I will say I wish it hadn't come; at least, not come the way it did. Almost like something out of middle-school, without the screaming and yelling. Just anger and hurt. And sadness. Lots of sadness.

Let me tell you a secret, readers mine: My comments about never getting married are only somewhat true. For while I honestly do not believe that I will ever marry, it is not because I don't want to, for that is one of my strongest wishes; it is, instead, because things in my life seem to continually go to pot, so to speak. The one good relationship I had died in a car accident a year ago...So like I said, to pot.

I went out and used my gift card, the one my parents gave me for Christmas, for Barnes and Noble. I bought 2 Neil Gaiman books (Neverwhere and Smoke and Mirrors), and a nice little hardcover book of poetry called The Hell with Love. It made me happy, and the poems inside did too, so I bought it. Nothing quite like a collection of poems filled with bitterness, anger, and random swear words to brighten one's day.

Watched Serenity. It was good, but not what I was expecting from everyone's rave reviews. I definitely preferred the series to the movie, but I think that it's because there was more witty dialogue in the TV show; and they killed Wash, which was not cool. Not cool at all.

Another semester will be starting soon. I'm hoping that, with my fatigue being dealt with and a room to myself, this will be a better semester than the last one...Well, considering the last one still gives me nightmares (I had 3 in my first week in CR...I had another one 2 nights ago; all of them made me wake up in a cold sweat, nearly hysterical with panic and frustration), I certainly hope this one goes better. For those of you who pray, please pray that I will not be driven to the brink of sanity and caused to teeter precariously over the edge of it; and that I will be able to get decent sleep all semester long, instead of having to wait until the very last week to do something about it. Oh, and while I'm discussing things I hope for this semester, let's add me being able to stand up for myself and not be a doormat; to quit falling for guys who will only screw me over and leave me shattered by the wayside; and healing. Yeah, healing would be nice, especially since I'm so much worse than I let you believe....even during the moments in which I'm obviously aching and broken, you only see the surface...what you see then is my continual state of existence, only at those particular moments I'm so much worse that my safety net weakens and shows you the basic feelings that colour my perceptions.

I'm going to go read American Gods now. And then sleep, because sleep is good. Sleep is very, very good.

4 comments:

Domino said...

Sleep is very good. And have I mentioned lately that you really are a phenomenal writer? You get your point across clearly as well as convey all those subtle, unspoken things that are meant to be conveyed subliminally by good writing. Though I no longer pray, I will be thinking of you, and if you ever need to talk, you know how to reach me.

Anonymous said...

Working on your piece right now, though I'm not sure the macabre is something that will lift your spirit. But who am I to argue with a commission?
Hang on, sport.
The Italian

Anonymous said...

I'm already working on a piece for you! One at a time, please!

Jasonfreak said...

Hey. Just saying hey again, in a new format. Yes I am stalking you...