My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me./Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.

I had several other titles that I liked more, but none seemed to fit the contents of this entry as well as this one.

It has, indeed, been a while since I last spoke, since I last put my words upon my techno-paper. Things--many things--have happened, yet I don't feel much like discussing all of them; only a few strike my fancy tonight, and even then only in the broadest terms.

The school year has once again begun; I am more prepared for it this year than any year prior, although I am not sure why. I hope my early drafts of poetry and prose from this summer are amendable enough to present to my writing class; perhaps I should just work on the one I wrote in class for an assignment on Thursday, even though it's short with no set meter or rhyme (which bothers me). Perhaps I could turn it into a sonnet or something...*snicker* I can just picture it: a sonnet about insanity, or not being insane, with the speaker slowly spiralling further and further into what perhaps is insanity--but then again, it might not be.
Or not. Just an idea.

I miss my 'boys.' It's weird, because I so rarely miss people. But I do. I've even started thinking about looking for a job post-graduation in the Pacific Northwest. But that could just be stalkerish.
Mom had a heart attack on Wednesday. I didn't find out about it until this afternoon (meaning Saturday afternoon). It threw me for a loop, and then some. I can feel myself shutting down and falling back into the strange void that randomly invades (and conquers) my entire being. I can't say I'll fight it, or even be upset--it's a far simpler and less painful way of dealing with issues, and once my subconscious (or whatever you wish to call it) has sorted things out, I return to normal--whatever normal may really be. But I just...I don't know. I don't know how else to respond to this, other than by my usual method, which is both dumb and dangerous. Unfortunately, it's the only thing I've ever known to do that actually works; everything else I've ever tried or that's ever been suggested has either failed or made things worse. So I'll shut down, instead. It should (I hope, at least) work, and thus far, I'm doing all right. But if something goes even more wrong, I don't know what I'll do. I'm close enough to the edge as it is, and this has pushed me closer. I don't want to be dancing on the edge of a muttering volcano (as a favourite author of mine once said), but it's the only solid ground within reach, and I don't know how to fly.

So I'll just keep dancing.

No comments: