Hide in yourself/Crawl in yourself/You'll have your time

Who the fuck was I ever kidding? Myself, mostly. I thought that I could be loved, cared for, cherished, and all the rest of that bullshit. But I guess not. The reason? "I just can't tell if I love you or not."
Wow. What a fucking blow. Okay, granted, I've seen this coming for awhile now...ever since I came back from Missouri, actually. Makes me wonder if I hadn't gone down there if things would be different. Probably not, but I have this horrible track record of seeing people and then them not wanting anything to do with me after that. Ever.
He tried to make it easier, but it's never easy. Not when you love someone and they don't love you. It hurts so much, you know? I mean, I've been numb since tenth grade, emotionally. I shut down completely and quit feeling anything at all, and only in the past year or so have I really been feeling anything at all. I've forgotten how much life hurts, and I wish I could go back and shut it all off again.
I'm bleeding again. Sorry, Michelle.
Here I was, thinking that I finally had something good in my life, something postive, aaaaand....no. Why should there be anything good in my life? I was given a death sentence this summer and I thought that maybe here was something that would help ease the initial shock or...something. But no. Of course not. Everything good I touch turns to ash and blows away in the wind, because I deserve nothing good. I am the world's receptacle for crap and garbage and nothing I can do or hope or wish for or pray for or ANYTHING will ever change that. Why should I expect things to get better? Nothing ever changes, history repeats itself.
I am doomed to failure, and I need to quit fooling myself into thinking things will change because they fucking won't. Story of my life.
I'm going to go keep crying now.

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