I gave my all/You weren't there

So tonight I'm going out with a group of people...I know. A shocker, right? Me, socializing with multiple people at once...and only actually knowing one of them beforehand. I'm just hoping I don't a) have a panic attack (entirely possible) or b) make a total fool of myself. Odds are in my favor, because I figure things can only suck for so long without a break, right? If I'm lucky, it at least won't be horrible.
Here's the story. Some people at work, from the other building, found out it was my birthday last week and decided to have me come over as a sort of celebration. But they had to reschedule because their kids got sick, so it's tonight instead. And they've changed it from a celebration (thank God) to more of a "let's introduce Winter to more people, because she seems lonely." I'm a bit nervous, because I don't do well with groups, or strangers, or with people who other people think I would be good with...the last time someone tried to set me up with someone else I ended up getting stalked for a couple of months and it creeped me out. And yes, there's a guy who's going to be there who my coworker has wanted to set me up with since March, except...his plans went bust when his friend ended up in rehab. So this will be interesting.
This will also be the very first party I've ever been to where alcohol will be available. And the firsts just keep coming, don't they?
Sorry about the lack of pictures, but the cable that enables picture uploads to the computer has gone on walkabout and until it's found, there won't be any photos. It's been missing for a month now, so heaven only knows when it'll show up again.
Wanna hear something funny? Or read, I suppose.... Anyway, anybody who reads this blog at all knows I'm (currently uncontrolled) bipolar and dealing with a load of crap pretty much 24/7, and have been for the past twelve years now. I realised the other day that this whole shitpile with Nate hasn't actually affected my depression. Which is a good sign, actually--it means I'm still retaining my independence and not basing my continued survival on another person. That's been one of my fears for a very long time, that I'd grow so attached to someone that my literal life would depend on their continued presence in my life. Which would be bad, because with I think two exceptions, everyone who has ever meant anything at all to me has left.
Which brings me to my final topic, kind of. I'm normally a private person, and this blog does give me some anonymity because I have no idea if anyone actually reads this or not anymore (I disabled the hit counter thingy out of paranoia), and I don't know who the actual readers are. Which makes me more comfortable spilling my guts. I collect journals, but I rarely write anything in them, because they provide tangible proof of whatever I wrote about...blogs can just be deleted, but even if you throw out a journal it can still be read. And the people reading your journal would most likely be people that you know, and that's just...awkward.
And until recently I only ever wrote about general things and myself, as opposed to friendships and relationships. I thought they were too personal, and I didn't want people knowing all about them. It's why I so rarely post status updates and whatnot on social networking sites--too personal. I'll probably go back to not writing about relationships etc, because I don't want to have to go back and see them. I don't like records of my failures in life; I have enough of them written into my skin already and I don't need more reminders. It's easier to move on, to heal, and maybe, if I'm lucky, even to forget if there isn't a trail of some kind to bring memories back.

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